The American Dream

Ahhh, the good ‘ol USA. As politicians and pundits start trickling into the useless babble forum known as the election cycle, we stupid little citizens will be hounded for money in a show of support for a particular candidate.

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Note: if you feel inclined to give, always bargain because the a-hole on the other end starts high…

  1. Tell ’em you don’ t have a job – they’ll lower the suggested amount. 
  2. Tell ’em you’re concerned about covering your bills – suggested amount drops more. 
  3. Tell them your dog has rectal cancer and needs to have his butt removed.

“Well, how about just $25 sir, Mr(s). X could really use your support?”  SOLD. Fluffy’s ass will just have to rot off on it’s own.

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And so the story goes…

Money flows in, propaganda flows out, and candidates try to convince you that they are not witches:

Idiots believe whatever the hell they are fed:

By ignorant assholes with loud voices like this guy:

Who aim simply to get ratings and lots of money:

Beck's ratings skyrocket

Beck's ratings skyrocket

But, sometimes egotists take shit too far, and even ignorant people turn on them:

Becks ratings drop by 1/3 in three months

Becks ratings drop by 1/3 in three months

All the while, the ‘better parts’ of society steep in their own self-righteousness, a sheer flatulence cloud of smug, if you will:

But, at the end of the day, through hanging chads (http://tinyurl.com/5wxe92g), malfunctioning voting machines(http://tinyurl.com/5gs3nz), stuffed ballot boxes and dead men voting (http://tinyurl.com/6zuqts5), “we the people” manage to exercising our 14th, I mean 15th, I mean 19th, I mean 23rd, I mean 26th amendment right, electing a motley crew of perverts, thieves and fraudsters (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_federal_political_scandals_in_the_United_States) to help us build the bold, the beautiful AMERICAN DREAM.

To make your own AMERICAN DREAM, following these simple steps

STEP 1: Create the worst maternity leave policy of all developed countries (Moms are just lazy, baby-making machines anyhow):

The quick stats (Full 2009 Report from LIS – http://www.lisproject.org/publications/parentwork/parent-leave-report.pdf) :

OUT OF 21 DEVELOPED COUNTRIES

  • US ranks 20th in unpaid permitted leave time for couples (24 weeks total)
  • US ranks dead last in paid maternity leave (USA provides $0 of paid maternity leave)
  • US ranks 11th in unpaid paternity leave (12 unpaid weeks for fathers…GO USA!)

STEP 2: Allow the financial system to be hijacked by massive, lobbying banks then pay them to correct the problem (Quantitative Easing for Dummies):

STEP 3: Widen the earnings and wealth gaps between the rich and the poor as far as possible:

Income Figures - CBO

Income Figures - CBO

STEP 4: Craft statistics to make people think getting a job is easier than it actually is (unemployed people like to set fire to tires on busy streets, this is bad, you don’t want this):

Jobless Figures - 3 versions

Jobless Figures - 3 versions

STEP 5: Underfund  education and slip to the bottom of the worldwide pile:

Education comparison worldwide

Education comparison worldwide

STEP 6: Let capitalism dictate the terms of your healthcare system:

Healthcare - Cost vs Quality

Healthcare - Cost vs Quality

Viola, you have just created your own little American Dream: Don’t get sick, have a baby, go to school, attempt to get a job, expect to make a decent salary, or trust anyone in finance.

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For a more uplifting read, check out my debut novel, Where’s Unimportant. Links to purchase on my website at www.danielshortell.com

debut novel available now

debut novel available now

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